Reluctant lessons

As a teacher and librarian, I believe in life-long learning.  I have often used the phrase “First Attempt in Learning” when teaching students that it’s okay to fail as long as you learn from the mistakes.

Sometimes life throws lessons your way without warning.  And usually they are the lessons we least want to learn.  I must be particularly dense, as I find myself in the midst of the same lessons over and over again, yet I make the same mistakes every time.

But maybe this time I’m learning, at least a little.

Since Kim’s passing in January I’ve been hard pressed to feel connected to anyone, feeling lonely and adrift.  When I broke my foot three weeks ago I wracked my brain for people I could call on for help, but came up blank.  I’ve always had a hard time asking for help.  I suppose I’ve gotten a tiny bit better in that I’m willing to ask my mother-in-law for help getting the kids where they need to go or picking up groceries that I order online.  But never if I think it would be inconvenient.  She was the only person I was willing to ask at first.  The days that she works, though, I had to work out another plan.  Perhaps this is why my kids are so very busy this month.  To put roadblocks in my way and force me to reach beyond my little safe circle.

Social anxiety tells me that no one would want to help me.  They might say  they want to help, but it feels like platitudes.  They don’t really want me to take them up on the offer.  I’m aware that this is a cognitive distortion.  If I somehow convince myself that they really do want to help, I am hesitant to ask for fear that they will choose to rearrange their equally busy lives just for me.  And that doesn’t feel comfortable either.  So I just don’t ask.

But last week my daughter had a counseling appointment in the middle of the day.  I needed to pick her up from school, drive 20 minutes to the appointment, sit in the waiting room for an hour, and bring her home.  I felt like that was way too much to ask a person to do and I couldn’t think of a single person in my life that was available for such a chunk in the middle of the day.  I sucked it up and asked someone from church that I knew was retired and lives right across the street from us.  She checked her calendar and happily agreed.  She had no problem with sitting in the waiting room reading while my daughter had her session.  And I almost hadn’t asked out of fear.

This opened the door for me.  A couple of days later my daughter wanted to stay after school for a theatre party, but I had no idea how she would get home.  We tried asking her friends, but got no response.  So I called the church friend again and asked for another favor.  Thanks to her previous help she knew exactly where to pick my daughter up and my daughter was comfortable going with her.

This week is Tech and Performance Week for my kids’ Julius Caesar play.  They have to be at rehearsals every day from 6 to 10.  It’s also the start of Guard Club and Band Movement Clinic.  Which means that on Tuesday they will both need to be at the high school 5-6:30 and there is a mandatory meeting (with parents) for Color Guard 6:30-7:00.  They’ll both be late for Caesar.  And if it weren’t bad enough that they have overlapping commitments, not being able to drive meant I needed to ask for help.  Again.

Thankfully they have friends that will also need to be at the high school and one that is also in Caesar.  I was able to ask their moms to help me shuffle everyone around, including myself.

Of course, this isn’t the first time I’ve been thrown into this situation.  When I broke both of my wrists and couldn’t drive for 6 weeks I had a coworker that drove us to and from school every day.  Kim jumped in and helped without me even asking.  The friends I’d made through the mission trip I’d taken that summer brought me food, since I couldn’t cook.  When I initially hurt myself this time all I could think about was the fact that all of those people that had jumped in to help without my asking are no longer in my life and I felt even more alone.

But it’s becoming clear to me that I do, in fact, have people I can call on.  All I have to do is ask.  I might not like to ask for help and prefer to be the one doing the helping, but life is teaching me that I need to be willing to take a chance on people.  Putting myself out there might help me form new connections to fill in the gaps that the old ones left behind.

Wellness Wednesday (03/06/2024)

It’s been awhile since I last did a Wellness Wednesday. I thought it would be a good idea to check in on myself.

So how am I *right now*? I’m okay, actually. I have a lot going on and I could easily cross over into overwhelmed (and probably will later today), but at the moment I’m doing alright.

Tonight I have to attend a planning meeting at church that I am truly not prepared for. Or wasn’t, anyway. I’m in charge of planning the games and/or crafts for the retreat we will be having April 6th. I haven’t done anything about it since our last meeting, which means everything is still undecided and March is extremely busy for me. So when I got to the library after water aerobics I worked on those plans. I think I’ve got something that will work for everyone. It will cost a little bit of money to purchase supplies, but I don’t think it will be too bad. I’m tossing around a few other ideas, but I’m hopeful that it will easily come together. So far this planning committee hasn’t felt very productive, to be honest. But maybe I’m just out of the loop and more is happening than I realize? I guess I’ll find out tonight.

While I’m at my meeting, my kids need to get to rehearsal. When this meeting was scheduled they hadn’t been cast in a show (or even auditioned) so I didn’t realize I’d have a conflict. I had hoped my husband would be able to come home from work to get them to rehearsal, since he had to be nearby later tonight. But he’s stayed home from work the last two days because he’s been running a fever, so he isn’t feeling up to it. I asked my mother-in-law if she could take them and she said yes, but she has a doctor’s appointment at 4 and may cut it close. I’ve decided not to sweat it. Even if they’re a little late it’s better than not going at all.

Friday is a half day for my kids and then it’s Spring Break. I had wanted to go visit their great aunt in her new home, but I also need to get our eyes checked (my brother is our eye doctor). So I ended up scheduling for us to go south to see my family for the first half of the break, come home on Tuesday so my daughter can go to her counseling appointment that evening, then heading north on Wednesday to visit my husband’s family (without my husband). I’m hoping that the new car will make the trips enjoyable. It’s 5 hours to my family and 7 to my husband’s. That will be a LOT of time in the car.

When we return from Spring Break I will only be home for two days before leaving for a hobby convention with my husband. We will be gone Tuesday-Monday. And when we get back from that we will have Easter and be on the fast track to the Women’s Retreat, then Tech Week for the show along with Color Guard and Band and state testing. Oh, and I’m supposed to be on a retreat (overnight) with the Confirmation Class the same weekend as the kids’ show.

So you can see why I might cross into overwhelm. This isn’t even looking at work or writing.

I’m actually hoping to get a lot of relaxing, writing, exercise, and other creativity in while at the convention. Originally a friend of mine was going to be there as well, but she had to cancel, so I’ll have more free time than I thought. I’m going to bring my bathing suit so I can swim in the hotel pool, my laptop so I can work on writing, my paints to work on models (I’ll be taking classes for that), and my ipad so I can read. I’m really looking forward to it, even without my friend being there.

Yes, *right now* I’m doing okay. I could very easily be panicked about all that is coming at me. But for now I’m taking it one moment at a time. Let’s hope that can continue for the next couple of months.

Complicated

It seems that trying to do everything is getting more and more difficult. The older my kids get, the more activities they get involved in. And those activities are more demanding and starting to overlap.

As I’ve mentioned, my kids have been cast in a show and rehearsals are complicating getting them fed. Well, now it seems there is a conflict with band/color guard. My daughter found out yesterday that she made it into Color Guard and there is a mandatory meeting on the 16th until 7:00, which is tech week for the play and they have to be there at 6:00. My son has a band camp on that same day. Originally I thought it ended at 6:00, but it turns out it goes until 6:30. Which means he will be late as well. Only, I don’t know how I’m supposed to be in two places at once. Thankfully, a friend that is in the play is also in band, so I think their mom can take him while I attend the meeting.

And now I’m complicating things as well. My car has arrived at the dealership and I should be able to pick it up today. I’d really like my husband to be with me, but he has to be at work, then he has improv. He said he might be able to get out of work at 4 and meet me at the dealership. My kids get home on the bus around 4 and have to be at rehearsal at 6. So we might be able to get it done and get them to rehearsal, but I don’t know when or how to feed them.

Also, I’m still unsure if the new car will fit in my garage. I think it will work if I move some things around, but I’m not sure if I can move them alone and no one else will be around to help me.

I’m not entirely certain why I want my husband to be there to purchase the car. Maybe because I feel guilty for doing all of this on my own. He doesn’t want me to pay for the car outright because he worries that we will need that money. But I don’t want to finance when we have the money. I keep trying to remind myself that he wouldn’t hesitate to do what he wants if the roles were reversed. But maybe doing it all myself feels like we aren’t partners the way we should be? I’ve felt disconnected from him for a while because of his job and all of his free time seems to be spent with friends instead of me. Maybe we need a date night where we can actually talk instead of sitting next to each other watching tv or our own things.

I know in the grand scheme of things my problems are small and everything will be fine. But the stress feels real regardless.

New routines

My daughter has been taking aerial silks classes for several years now. I had noticed that she wasn’t talking about it nearly as enthusiastically as she had been, but she never said anything about quitting. When she decided to try out for color guard I told her she would probably have to quit aerial just because of the time commitment for color guard. She was fine with that, but didn’t say she wanted to quit sooner.

Until we attended a play her friend was in. She and her brother have both decided they want to join the youth acting guild and quit aerial. The next play’s auditions are today. So I dropped them off and had to figure out what to do with myself for 3 hours. Sure, I could have gone home (it’s only 15 minutes away), but parking is a pain, since it’s in the old courthouse on the square and I really didn’t feel like finding another parking place just to pick them up.

So instead I brought my laptop and found a cafe (and spent way too much on an iced tea) with wifi. After about 45 minutes a live music performance started up right next to me and was way too distracting. I remembered that there was a library nearby, so I decided to walk over and see if there was a good place to sit and work like at my local library. I wandered around the entire building. It’s very nice, but there aren’t as many tucked away spots with outlets as there are at “my” library. But that’s okay. I can live with it. This will be a great place to spend the time my kids are at rehearsals once those start!

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While I’ve been sitting here I’ve been emailing back and forth with a Toyota salesman at a dealership 50 minutes north of me. He is thinking he can get me a Sienna much sooner than the local sales manager said I would get one. He said we might even be able to have me in a new vehicle in the next couple of days! I had hoped to have something new for Spring Break, since we plan on going on 2 road trips that week. This would be perfect. I’m going to try not to get my hopes up too much, though. I’m still a bit worried about it fitting in my garage.

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Okay, back to my new routines. The rehearsals are M/W 6-9 and Saturday 10-1, so it looks like I’m going to either spend a LOT of time here at this library or find other things to do. I don’t think they will have to be at every rehearsal, but that all depends on what parts they get. And dinners on M/W will be tricky. As well as lunch on Saturdays. But I’m glad they are both interested in performing. As a former theatre teacher, I happen to think it’s a great place to be in general. But more than that, I want them to find a group of people they can feel comfortable with. And based on the performance we saw, I think this group will be perfect for them. Especially with the friend that is already in the group.

Now, it does mean they will be missing Wednesday night Small Group at church, but they will still have Sunday School, Youth Choir, and Youth Group. My daughter doesn’t really have anyone she connects with at church on Wednesdays anyway, so I think it will be good in the long run. And there may be some weeks that they don’t have to be at rehearsal and can go to church after all.

I know I’m probably getting too far ahead of myself, trying to figure out what I’ll be doing while they are at rehearsals when they haven’t even finished their audition yet, but I can’t help myself. I like to have my routines in place and know what to expect. It’s the anxiety.

TIme to walk over and pick them up. I hope they had fun at the audition!

Crazy Week

This week has been so very crazy and full of exposures I certainly didn’t pick! My husband drives a 2017 Prius. It’s a hand-me-down from my aunt and uncle. We have had no problems with it in the 2.5 years we’ve had it.

Monday evening I got a text from him saying his car wouldn’t start. He was not at work, as I would have expected, he was at the Comedy Arena. When I asked why he was there he said he had thought it was Tuesday and came for their weekly Improv Jam. I was waiting for my daughter to come out of her aerial class, but as soon as she was out we went to pick him up. We did not have jumper cables in our cars, so we went home to get the ones we have in the garage and/or the charger that was loaned to us when my battery died last month (I really need to return that). Turns out our jumper cables are broken (one of the cables got pulled out of the clamp), so we decided we’d deal with it in the morning.

I had a friend that said we could borrow jumper cables from him, so we picked them up on the way to the car on Tuesday morning. Thankfully at 6:30 AM no one was parked on either side of him. Unfortunately, the cables still weren’t long enough to get to both places that needed to be hooked up in the Prius. Hubby had to be at work to train new hires, so I took him and we left the car, deciding we’d get new (longer) cables that evening. The kids were home from school and we had plans with Kim’s kids to go to Top Golf.

That evening, my kids came with me to pick him up, get cables, and jump his car. It worked! Being that it was actually Tuesday, I convinced him to stay for the Improv Jam to get some stress relief. The kids and I went to dinner, then home and to bed. When he went to his car to leave the Jam his car wouldn’t start again. He texted me, but I was already in bed and didn’t hear it (I told him he should have called instead). He tried contacting our insurance roadside assistance, but after two hours of waiting without any sign of rescue he finally got an Uber and made it home around 1 AM. I slept through this whole thing without a clue.

The next morning, once the kids were on the bus, I drove him to work, then went to my water aerobics class. Hubby had talked to the insurance company and they said they could send someone to jump the car that evening when he could be there so he could take it somewhere to get a new battery. I told him that I could take care of it while he was at work so he didn’t have to miss his Improv rehearsal.

Thankfully, his mom was home and she went with me to jump the car. She had never jumped a car before and was extremely nervous about it, thanks to the horror stories her father had told her about batteries exploding if you do it wrong. I assured her that as long as we followed the instructions, which were written on the cables and in the car’s manual, we would be fine (I was right). However, being a hybrid, I had a hard time figuring out if the car had started or not. It took a couple of tries, but we got it running.

I took the car to an auto parts store, like I had when my battery died, expecting to have them test the battery, say it needed to be replaced, and then replace it for me. Unfortunately, that was not the case. The battery to start the car is apparently in the trunk (despite jumping it from the front) and they said they don’t mess with those and I needed to go to the dealership. To the dealership I went.

While I waited for them to replace the battery I decided to wander around and look at cars. Which, of course, meant I was approached by a salesman. I held my own, though, and was able to tell him exactly why I was waiting for a Sienna instead of going with all of the suggestions he made, even quoting exact size differences between the vehicles. We talked for way longer than I was comfortable, but I was finally able to pull myself away and wander around on my own.

Once the battery was replaced I went to pick up my husband from work and he drove me back to the house. I expected him to leave for his Improv rehearsal, but he was having tummy issues and ended up missing anyway.

My kids had Small Group at church and I had invited Kim’s youngest son to have ice cream with me while his brother was at church with my kids. We sat and talked for 45 minutes. Nothing deep, but we had a nice time without the distractions of the other kids. I know he’s missing his mom and I would be more than happy to let him talk about that if it’s what he needs, but I didn’t broach the subject this time around. I figure the deeper stuff can come later, I just want him to know I’m here for him too, not just his dad and/or brother.

Today I worked, but there wasn’t much that needed to be done, so I was finished before lunch. I was relieved, as I felt a need for some down time.

Tomorrow we are going to dinner at the home of a family from church. I don’t know them very well at all. Their oldest child and my daughter have a lot in common and have spent time together both at church and at camp last summer. I only met her mother a few weeks ago. We were both recruited to help plan a Women’s Retreat. I’ve never talked to her about anything outside of a meeting for that, so we really don’t know each other. But I sent her a text after church on Sunday because her daughter had been waiting patiently to say something to my daughter as she talked with someone else. Eventually, she gave up and left. I was apologizing for that. After a bit of back and forth she invited us for dinner. When I told my daughter she was very excited. Frankly, I’m nervous. I have no idea what to expect and know I’m going to feel self-conscious. But I want to do this for my daughter. She doesn’t feel like she has friends, especially at church. I don’t know if the rest of us will become friends, but I certainly hope it can help solidify a friendship between our daughters.

The sermon series at church throughout Lent is “Dinners with Jesus” and one of the challenges they have proposed for us this season is to share a meal with others at least once a week. Well, we’re off to a rocking start! We ate at the church with the staff and Kim’s kids on Tuesday for lunch, and now we will be eating with the new family tomorrow night. Wonder who we’ll eat with next week! Hopefully it won’t be as crazy as this one has been.

Letter to my daughter

Baby Girl,

Yesterday on the way home from your counseling appointment you said to me that you don’t feel worthy of love. My first response was to say you absolutely are worthy. But then I got to thinking more about it, because I’ve felt that way often as well. And I imagine most people do.

The more I thought about it, the more I realized that love cannot be earned. NO ONE is worthy of love. If it were a matter of checking off a to do list of tasks or traits, it would be easy to “make” someone love you. However, it’s not an achievement to be won. You can’t be the “best at being lovable.” Nor can you be the worst. Because the thing about love is that it’s all the more spectacular because you don’t deserve it. 

Think about it. When Jesus died on the cross, were we worthy of that sacrifice? Not one bit. But He loved us and still does. Not because we deserve it, but because He just does. So when you say you’re unworthy of love, you’re absolutely right. Same with me, or anyone. But look around you. Despite being unworthy, you ARE loved. By so many.

Love is a gift, freely given. It costs you nothing. You don’t have to earn the gift. You get it just by being. God made us to love one another. Daddy and I don’t earn our love for each other. We don’t love each other less if the other doesn’t do the dishes or snores too loud at night. We don’t love each other more based on tasks we perform. It’s true that we might get annoyed with one another or even angry, but that doesn’t mean we don’t love each other. And how much more does that apply to you!

The moment we laid eyes on you, even as a speck of cells in a picture before they put you into LaDonna, we loved you. Did you do anything to earn that? Nope. We just did. Still do and always will. No matter what. Nothing you do or say will ever make us love you less. That doesn’t mean we won’t get annoyed or fuss or get our feelings hurt. We can feel those things AND feel love. They aren’t mutually exclusive.

When Dad or I yell, you don’t like it, right? You get angry or afraid. But do you still love us? Your brother annoys you. Do you still love him?

I hope that this letter helps you to realize that being worthy has never been a requirement for love. From anyone. And if anyone ever makes you feel like you have to earn their love, or do certain things to keep their love, they don’t really love you. Because real love doesn’t keep score and doesn’t have to be earned.

Love you to the moon and back and the sun and back, always, always!
Mom

Lost

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

I feel lost. I keep going through the motions, but I don’t feel like I’m getting anywhere, nor do I even know where I want to go.

Kim’s memorial was yesterday. It was difficult, but I made it through my eulogy without falling apart (I saved that for before and after). I guess all those years of theatre paid off. Afterwards I had tons of people telling me what a great job I did. It felt awkward. Because I wish I hadn’t had to say any of it. I want my friend.

This morning her husband said I had hit the nail on the head when I said that she had a lot of best friends. He said his idea of a best friend is one person, but she had many. I told him I’m the same and that she was it. I guess that’s not completely true. I do have other people that could count as “best friends,” but she was the only local one. And the ones that I reach out to through text or online didn’t know her and don’t know how to comfort me. Heck, I don’t know how to comfort me.

My daughter was my rock yesterday. Which probably wasn’t fair to her. She literally held me up throughout the entire service other than when I was speaking. When I told her thank you before bed she told me I held her up too. I said it was a good thing we had each other.

Unfortunately, this whole experience of loss is making her feel lonelier too. She says she feels like she has to pretend to be happy when she’s at church or school, but she’s not and hates that everyone around her doesn’t notice. I’m actually meeting with one of the adults at church this afternoon to talk to her and get her take on what she’s seen at Youth. On Sunday she hid in the bathroom for more than 30 minutes and no one came looking for her. I hate that my baby is hurting and there’s nothing I can do about it. At least I have her in counseling and she likes going. She’s got another appointment tomorrow. I hope it helps.

I’m uncertain how to move forward. I keep going back through old texts from Kim instead of getting anything productive done. I slept a lot last week, and if I’m home that’s all I want to do. So today, after helping Kim’s family by taking the flowers from the funeral to the church I came to the library, hoping to do some writing. Halfway through this post I started thinking about Kim recording our kids leading worship last year and saying she couldn’t help singing along. I wanted to hear her voice and went looking for it (I thought she texted it to me, maybe). We texted SO much and I’m not anywhere close to finding it. But I’ve reflected on all of the things we talked about the last year. Who am I going to complain to about my son’s video game addiction, or about my daughter feeling lonely? How do I help my daughter feel less lonely when I feel exactly the same? 

I said I was going to try to look for the good instead of dwelling on the bad this year. But I’m having a very hard time finding the good right now. How does a 47 year old mom make new friends that actually have time for them, yet also are able to relate? It was a total accident that Kim and I became so close. Or rather, it’s “thanks” to Covid. But I don’t go anywhere that will expose me to new people and I’m not the type that initiates friendship. I’m pretty sure that every friend I’ve had was a result of proximity or an extrovert that adopted me.

Wellness Wednesday (12/13/23)

If you’ve been wondering, yes I’m still alive. It’s just been super busy the last few weeks. December and May seem to always be the busiest months for teachers and parents. It’s kind of a relief to not be juggling both anymore.

I did finish my 30 days of writing for November, but I haven’t sat down to write on that story since. Instead I’ve been working on a story and that will go with a present I am making for someone. I’d love to share it, but on the off chance that the person actually knows about this blog (I don’t think so, but you never know with the internet), I don’t want to spoil the surprise. I can reveal after the gift is given.

This year our family decided to do “Santa” a little differently. My kids already know all about Santa, so it really seemed silly to keep up the charade. Instead, the five of us that live in the same house (mother-in-law lives with us) drew names and we are being Santa for that person. We’re still doing presents under the tree for each other, but the special Santa present will be from the person that drew our name.

It’s supposed to be a secret, but I have to confess that I figured it out pretty fast, based on a comment two of the family members made right after we drew. And I happen to know my kids told each other who they had, claiming they didn’t know it was a secret. I reminded them that if they know who doesn’t have them, that will make it easy to figure out who does. Granted, I know who they each have (one of which is me), but that was accidental. No one told me.

Just to document so no one can say I didn’t know, here is the breakdown:

L has B
B has N
N has K
K has me
I have L

I love how beautifully that worked out, to be honest. The kids were selected by their parents, so they should both be pleased with their gifts. I had to sneakily help L out with B without letting on I knew who they had. I sent a text to N, K, and L giving a suggestion for “whoever drew B.” Low and behold, L told me they knew what to get that very afternoon. Convenient.

On Monday I picked the kids up from school and took them to the mall. I sent them both off on their own to shop. This is the first time they have ever gone off on their own in a mall. Target is one thing, but a mall is huge. I think they were nervous at first, and L had to come find me to help shop because I didn’t have much cash to give (K has a debit card, which made it much easier). L only managed to find something for N and expects to purchase the rest online yet has done nothing toward that end. I guess it’s a lot to ask of a teenager. K has plans to make presents for everyone, but I know still has several to complete. Again, ADHD teenagers have focus issues. I suppose I should be happy they are trying.

Speaking of ADHD teenagers, on Saturday K was signed up to volunteer at the zoo. Part of their uniform is a name tag, which she realized that morning that she could not find. She was in a panic. When she looked at the information in her volunteer packet it said that she would need to contact the volunteer office to get a link to order a new one. She did not want to make the phone call, but knew she had to. I was amazed she didn’t ask me to do it (L would have), but we discussed what she would say and she made the call. She had to leave a message and almost forgot to give a call back number. She also sent an email as backup. As we were on our way out the door she realized that she’d missed a call from an unknown number (their phones only ring for numbers that are in their contacts). The zoo office number is in her phone, but apparently it comes through as the generic zoo number. Thankfully, the person had emailed the link and we were able to complete the transaction on the way to the zoo. Crisis averted. On the way, we talked about phone anxiety and I told her how proud I was of her for doing it because I totally understand how hard it is.

And then there’s the other ADHD teen. Tonight is L’s band concert. Yesterday, as they got off the bus, it was discovered that there was a hole in the pencil bag that contained the mouthpiece for his tuba. Convinced that it would be there when he got on the bus this morning, he thought I was being ridiculous for worrying about it. After the bus had left I texted him and asked if the mouthpiece had been found. It had not. He asked me if I could go buy a new one. I told him I didn’t know, then started looking online to figure out who sold them locally. There were so many choices (and prices) that I decided it would be good to enlist the help of his band director and private teacher, so I emailed them what had happened. The director wrote back and said he can borrow a mouthpiece for tonight and hope that his turns up. Now I’m debating on buying a new one for him or making him buy it with the money he’s trying to save for a VR headset. I hate to “save” him all the time, but I also don’t want to deal with the fit he’s sure to throw if we make him pay. Why does parenting have to be so hard?

Wellness Wednesday (11/15/23)

It’s Wednesday! Time to check in. How are you this week? Hanging in there?

Last week was so crazy busy that all I could think was “I can’t wait for next week when everything will slow down!” Here we are in “next week” and I’m still waiting for it to slow down.

Actually, that’s unfair. It has slowed down some. Monday was not even remotely calm, but yesterday I got in a nap and didn’t have to drive anyone anywhere! Though the kids had tons of homework and ended up eating dinner at different times. Today I let the kids skip the bus so they could work on finishing up homework (Daughter was catching up from 3 days of being out for her show last week. Son just procrastinated.) which put me out the door earlier than I needed to be for aqua. Which was fine.

The one day last week that I was able to attend aqua there had been a group of ladies near me that conversed loudly the ENTIRE time. It made it very difficult to hear the instructor and made it impossible to interact with anyone else. I don’t expect people to be silent, but it sure would be nice to pay attention to the instructor and let other people do the same. So on Monday I went to the other end of the pool. Not only was it quieter, but there was a lot more room as well. When the instructor saw me she said “Switching it up today?” I replied “There’s more room down here.” She smiled and said “And quieter too.” I had thought she seemed annoyed last week and this certainly proved it.

However, she has done nothing about it. They talked all through Monday’s class. Being at the other end of the pool I couldn’t hear their words, but I could hear that they were talking. And when I’d glance over they would be facing each other and talking, oblivious to everyone around them. Maybe they were doing the exercises under the water, but it was difficult to tell. Honestly, if they had been there the first time I’d attended, I probably wouldn’t have returned.

After class the instructor and I talked for a little bit. I said that it was very rude of them to talk through the entire class and she said “You know, you could be the teacher.” At first I thought she meant teach the class and I was very confused. Then she went on to say “Tell them to be quiet.” I shook my head and said “I have way too much social anxiety for that!” It wasn’t until later that I got to thinking, why was she asking ME to “be the teacher” instead of doing it herself? I understand not wanting to offend anyone, but I really think doing nothing is going to be worse.

I went to the end of the pool again today. Only two of the Chatty Cathys were there and even though they talked some, it was much less. I even saw them following the instructions! So my guess is that the third one is the one that keeps it going. I’d be quite alright with her not coming anymore!

After class I decided not to go to the library and ended up wandering around the new HEB. It opened last month and I’ve only been inside once. I made the mistake of bringing my son with me, which meant he was bored within moments and wanting to leave. This time I was able to wander around and look at each aisle to see if they had anything interesting. I found some shelf stable vegetarian items to have on hand for my daughter (though she’ll probably decide she doesn’t like them and I’ll be the one to eat them, as usual). I was thinking I’d go to the library afterwards, so I didn’t want to get anything that needed refrigeration. So there were several items that looked interesting, but I didn’t buy.

I did, however, see some already prepared food that looked pretty yummy and it was almost lunch time, so I decided that could be my lunch. Unfortunately, as I began to drive to the library I realized I didn’t grab a utensil to eat with. So I went home after all. Now I’m making the most of being home by doing laundry and I’ll probably take a nap later. I haven’t written on my story yet today (I’ve managed to do 14 days in a row so far!), but Lauren’s Silent Writing for today is at 3, so I decided I can wait until then.

This evening I have a parent meeting at the high school. It’s hard enough to know my kids are growing up, but why do they need to wave it in my face so early? The first semester of 8th grade isn’t even over yet and you want to talk to me about my kids’ high school plans?! What is the rush?

In some ways I look forward to them growing up. I really do enjoy being able to have conversations with them and getting to know the people they are becoming. But each stage goes so fast and I feel like they are going to be graduating before I can blink. And my life has been so wrapped up in theirs for so long that I’m not entirely sure who I am without them. Granted, I’ve started to try to discover that over the last couple of years and now that we can leave them home I’m much more likely to make plans for myself. But my days still heavily revolve around theirs. And it will be quite strange to lose both of them at once. I’ve only got 4.5 years left with them. How did that happen?

Wellness Wednesday (11/08/2023)

I started a post yesterday, but it was so rambling, I ended up deleting it. The main gist was that I was feeling overwhelmed. In some ways I still am, but taking the time to notice and voice my overwhelm helped me to see where I could cut back.

This week is my daughter’s musical production week. The show has 5 performances total, three during the school day and two in the evening. The director requested parent volunteers to be backstage, and of course I stepped up. I said I could be backstage for dress rehearsal and 3 of the 5 shows, only skipping the daytime show on the day I work and the last evening show so I could watch (instead I’ll help with box office that night).

It was automatic for me to volunteer. I did it without really looking at how it would effect my routine. I just knew I didn’t have to be anywhere at those times, so I could help. But when the week arrived I started looking at all of the things I do in a week and realizing it was going to be much more difficult to get them done while volunteering.

For example, Monday and Tuesday I helped with dress rehearsals from 3:30-6:00. I don’t have a place to be at that time, but I do usually start making dinner around 5:30. So I had to figure out how to feed the family. My mother-in-law usually gets dinner for us one night a week, so I requested that it be Monday. I tried to coordinate what we would have her pick up early in the afternoon, even limiting the choices to make the process easier. However, the rest of the family was uncooperative and the decision was finally made while I was busy helping at the end of rehearsals and they had to wait on me to send what my daughter and I wanted before the order could be placed. Which meant that dinner was later.

This afternoon there is no rehearsal because they performed this morning, which is great. However, it was for this very reason that I scheduled my daughter’s therapy appointment for 4:00 this afternoon. And a sequence of events meant that my son has an orthodontist appointment today at 3:00. So this morning I was at the school helping with the show, right now I’m at Panera Bread writing, and I’ll be going back to the school to pick up both kids at 2:30 simply because there would not be time to come back and get my daughter at the end of the day. Hopefully we finish at the orthodontist in time to get to her counselor’s office. Not to mention figuring out how to squeeze in dinner between the appointments and small group at church.

I got an email last week from the band director needing volunteers to help with the Veterans’ Day performance on Friday. Again, gut reaction was to volunteer. Then I realized that I had committed to helping with the show the same day. The show is 9:00-10:30ish and the band performance starts at 11 at the Senior Center. So as soon as the show was over I would need to head to the Senior Center (at least, in my mind. It really only takes 10 minutes to get from one place to the other). It sounded stressful, but I decided to do both because I didn’t want either kid to feel slighted.

As I sat trying to write yesterday and feeling completely overwhelmed, I realized I don’t have to do it all. I had my son start dinner before we got home from rehearsal yesterday and I finished it when I got home. This evening, I will drive through somewhere for dinner and they can have sandwiches for lunch tomorrow if they don’t have leftovers.

And I decided that I don’t need to be backstage on Friday’s day show. There are three other parents signed up and we really don’t do much of anything anyway. I told the director I would be skipping that one so I can help with the band performance without needing to rush between the two. She was totally fine with it. And as a result, I should be able to do water aerobics on Friday morning before needing to be at the Senior Center, which is right around the corner. It’s not a big change, but it feels like it has made a big difference in my stress level.

I don’t know why I do this to myself. I know it’s a knee-jerk reaction to say yes when asked directly, but why do I feel a need to volunteer for every school activity when there are other parents that are perfectly willing and able to help? And I always reply to the teacher requests immediately because I’m afraid I’ll forget about them instead of taking my time to really determine how it will effect my day? Maybe I’m subconsciously trying to make up for all the times I couldn’t volunteer for things when I was working at the school? The thing is, every time I volunteer to chaperone I feel awkward because I don’t feel like I fit with the parents, but I don’t fit with the teachers anymore either. I can never quite find my place.

I think my goal from here on needs to be to pause and really assess before volunteering for anything else. Of course, I’ve already said yes to being on two (more) committees at church that supposedly won’t take up much time. And I offered to stay with my friend’s boys while she is in Houston getting cancer treatment next week. But now I’m going to try to be better. Wish me luck!